Today when i first came home. bought food from downstairs and all and went to workout. then my mum came home. i asked her where she went until so late. she said like she mostly say, her Buddhism class. i have no idea what came over me. for so long, i have never argued with her, or i stopped her from arguing because i do not want to carry it further, because of the fact of Christianity, that if u dont believe in Jesus, u will go to hell, and that fact alone would hurt her and her belief in order to bring out the hard truth. i asked her, “mum, have u ever thought that you were believing in something that was false?” she laughed it off, saying some stupid excuse i cant remember. then, after a long time, i began to cry. pitying her being played by satan, how powerful this devil is to delude people. she started asking my questions. why am i crying? isit because she was so into buddhism that she neglected me, while laughing. flashbacks came, the times when i was doing nonsense, playing my gameboy, she was always, always, reading or murmuring her buddhism scripts books or whatever. the times when i couldnt tank my sleepiness on school days and not finishing my work at 1am. she was still diligently reading her stuff. i felt that the devil was mocking me. how can i save my own mum when im not even as enthusiastic and faith-filled about my own god? when she asked me again is it because she had changed for the worst. i replied no. i did the stupidest thing a christian can ever do to bring someone to believe.
i told her that her religion was wrong. my father’s side uncle, being the only christian family in my entire family tree. she said that she could talk to them and they would never tell her that her religion was wrong. that was when i knew that, she knew nothing about christianity. i had, to explain to her, its my duty. i was such a pussy, that i had never explained to her the love of jesus, so scared that we had to argue and she would go non stop, so scared, to tell her the hard truth that jesus is the only way. so scared, that she would turn on me, that i couldnt tell her about the ultimate love. no, i dont even deserve to be used to god. disappointed at the fact, that my mum was so much more a believer than i was.
i decided, this was the time i am going to tell her everything, about my belief. praying that this mother and son relationship would be able to withstand the hard truth. i told her everything, how jesus, being a god, came to live with us and die as a human being, and than being resurrected as a symbol that he was god. told her everything i knew. I explained to her, with logic, that how small the sin that we commit, may seem small to us, is a big thing to god as he is perfect. and how the ‘good’ things we do that buddhists believe to be able to cover up their sins, are no good compared to god. so how is the small good able to cover the big bad sins? then i brought her to the fact that it is impossible. that god had to send his one and only son to die for us. ‘a god, dying for us. can you believe that?’ i asked her.
actually i kinda know the main basics about her religion. about karma about the what levels of hell and heaven. that u can be saved from hell. yeah she tried to reason with me, giving stupid reasons. yeah the funny thing is, she can believe wholeheartedly with those same stupid reasons. well, i went on to tell her about facts about life and Christianity itself. well i can logically prove her wrong in so many of her beliefs, but she wont budge. told me like god was so merciful, that even people in hell could be saved and given another chance. and even people in heaven can come down again. even though if u reached the top top top top top, u can become a PU SA, and dunid come down again. well i said, if hell was worse thing ever, how could people be saved from it? and if heaven was the best thing ever, how could people still drop down from it??? i began to tell her about jesus, living a life without sin, which is why he is able to die for us. and i asked her if really there are human beings becoming PU SA and were perfect, have u seen anyone besides jesus who was perfect on earth? well she brushed me away with the “aiya u never see before only” nonsense again. the most laughable and sad thing she said was that she pitied me, for saying that jesus is the only way, that i will be punished, for saying such things.
well i kinda explained my whole theory, and it was reasonable! (obviously) yeah yeah she didnt want to admit defeat. saying how merciless my god is, not giving people in hell a second chance, condemning them to hell. i explained everything, but it just will not break her faith. in the end, i told her i never wanted to push or force her into this, and she herself has to stop pushing me. i told her the story of a christian father who once said this “of course i would want my son to know jesus and to believe in him and love him, but if he chooses, despite all my efforts and prayer, he chooses to reject jesus and not believe in him. i will never be able to force him into this. all i can do is cry.” in the end, she laughed at me, murmuring “mei you yong, mei you jiu”. i can imagine how jesus must have felt, having this uncountable times worse by uncountable number of people. people who not only disbelieved, but they tortured him, stoned him, and ultimately sentenced him, a god, to death. my sadness times that? i will never be able to imagine. God help me
Hardened hearts will never be softened by words alone.